Monday, 7 July 2014

Making MY Mark

Last week, my mummy became something called a Cur-ate.  I don't really know what one of those is but for some reason, she now wears this odd white thing round her neck and seems to spend ALL of her time in church.  So I started thinking, it's probably quite helpful if I get to know the place a little bit better myself, you know - make my mark.  I wouldn't want anyone to forget that I'm there too.

On Sunday morning, I had as usual been forced to drag MummyDaddy out of bed.  I honestly don't know why they want to sleep in for quite so long, after all, it was light and the birds were singing, clearly it was a beautiful day!  I bounced into their room shouting, "Hurro!" and heard a distinct, "whooof" as I jumped onto Daddy's belly.  I squirmed in between MummyDaddy and started singing a lovely good morning song (one of my favourites: heads and shoulders, knees and toes - there's even actions, it's a great way to start the day!)  

"Mummy, why are you groaning?  It's a beautiful day!"

"Baby, it's 4:00 in the morning!" came the muffled response.  

"Yes Mummy, you got that right - morning!  Mummy, why are you hiding your head under the pillow?  Don't you know that you're supposed to sleep on top of your pillow?  Mummy, why are you groaning?  Daddy?  Would you like to play with me?  Daddy???"

It took quite some time, but eventually I managed to drag them out of bed by sheer persistence and that meant I could get started with my plan.  Daddy got me dressed in some very strange clothes - just like the night before when we went to the biiiiiiiiig church, he pulled out my little waistcoat and tie.  He just about managed to get it onto me the right way round before his eyes started to close and he groaned some more.

"What's the matter Daddy?  Are you sick?  Daddy, are we going with Mummy to church this morning?  Daddy?  Daddy?  Hmmm.  Daddy, why are you snoring?  Shall I poke you?  Daddy?"

A few hours later, I had finally tugged, pulled and pushed MummyDaddy into some semblance of readiness and it was time to go.  Mummy drove separately as she needed to be there early and a little while later, Daddy arrived in church with me and my big brother in tow.   We sat down on those funny wooden chairs and waited.  After a few minutes, I tugged on Daddy's sleeve.

"Daddy, have you forgotten something?  Daddy?  I always have nice snacks when we're in this place. Daddy, where's my snacks?"

Daddy, recognising the wisdom of keeping my mouth occupied, pulled out my special box of church snacks.  "Daddy, what's in the box today?  Ooooo!!!!  Pringles!  I LOVE Pringles!"  I sat down to munch contentedly and kept a careful eye out for Mummy in her funny dress.

Eventually, Mummy came in along with lots of other people and they all sat down at the front of church.  They said some words - lots of words - the people stood up and sat down again.  We sang some songs and Mummy's boss did lots of talking before everyone stood up and sat down again.  I only squirmed a little bit but thankfully, Daddy had a big stock of Pringles to help keep me occupied.  

Then it was time for the best part of the service - Mummy and her boss went up to the big table at the front of church and Mummy's boss arranged the pretty cups and plates on it.  We listened for a while as he explained what he was doing and he held up the dishes, just to show everybody that they really were there.  Then all of the people slowly started walking towards the front of the church.  They knelt down on some nice red cushions and Mummy's boss gave all of them a little drink and something to eat which I thought was very nice because after all, it was a long service and they must have been thirsty.  I waited very patiently for my turn but when Mummy and her boss got to me, instead of giving me my snack, just like everybody else, he put his hand on top of my head and said some nice words.  Well, it was all very nice but you see, I could see that he was holding a big plate of something that really looked an awful lot like more Pringles and I.wanted.some.  Just like lightening, I reached for the plate and grabbed a whole BIG handful of the pretty white crisps.

I was fast, but unfortunately, my Daddy was faster.  He grabbed my little hand just as Mummy's boss whisked the plate out of my reach and they all pried my clenched fist away from my snack.  

I was not impressed.

No really, I WANTED my snack.

Everybody else has been given a lovely nice snack and I see no reason why I shouldn't have my share.

DADDY, I WANT MY SNACK!

Rather red faced, Daddy removed my small self from the front of the church.

"Adam, that is NOT Pringles!" Daddy hissed.  

"But DAAAAAADDDDYYYYY!!!!!!  I WAAAAAAANNNNTS them!!!!!"


****  Seven Days Later ****

Today, Daddy decided to take me to a different service in church.  This one meant we had to get ready and out of the house very early, but apparently it was a shorter service and so Daddy thought I shouldn't be able to cause quite so much mischief.  

"Hah!  Oh how naive you are Daddy!"

I sat on Daddy's lap while everyone waited for church to start.  It was very, very quiet.  I looked around and planned my first move.  What could I do to liven things up a little bit?

Aha!  It was then that I spied it - just beside Daddy was a lovely big, metal radiator.  I decided that it would make a *perfect* drum.  I gave it an experimental little tap, then a whack, then I made sure Daddy's octopus skills were well honed as he tried to contain my small, squirming body while I reached for my drum again and again.  

Mummy was sitting at the front again, wearing her funny dress, but she was very determinedly not making eye contact with me.  I'm not sure why.

After a little while, I decided what we really needed was a little bit of musical accompaniment so I began to hum quietly to myself - at least, I think it was quiet.  I know Daddy tried to shush me, but he was probably just being overly sensitive.  By this point, they'd gotten to that bit where everyone goes up to the front again but Daddy was being very careful to hold onto both of my little hands as Mummy's boss approached us.  Just like last week, he put his hand on top of my head and said some nice little words.  I sat on the big red cushion and stared up at him.  As we returned to our seats, Daddy breathed a sigh of relief but I wasn't nearly so contended.  

I was bored.

I started to fidget.

Then I wriggled.

Then I squirmed.

I looked up at the front and saw Mummy's boss cleaning the cups and plates on the table.

"Daddy, WHY is Mummy's boss doing the washing up?  Does he have to polish that cup?  It's really a very pretty cup, but Daddy, I don't understand what's going on and it really seems to be taking a very long time.  Daddy, do you think it would help if I sang a song to jolly things along a little?"

Daddy gave me The Look.

The thing is though, Daddy's Look just isn't as powerful as Mummy's Look, so basically, I ignored it....and I burst into song.

"THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND! ROUND AND ROUND! ROUND AND ROUND!  THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND...AAAAAALLLLL DAY LONG!!"

Yup, that definitely woke things up.  Heads were spinning in my direction.  Excellent - would you like a second verse?

I took a deep breathe and....

"THE DOORS ON THE BUS GO OPEN AND SHUT! OPEN AND SHUT!  OPEN AND SHUT!  THE DOORS ON THE BUS GO OPEN AND SHUT, ALLLLLLL DAY LOOOOOOONG!"

By this point, I had clearly succeeded in getting Mummy's attention.  She was sitting at the front of church, staring at the floor and doing her level best not to laugh.  It wasn't working very well.  Some of the nannies and granddad's who were in church were smiling too so I kept right on going.  I managed to get through four whole verses before Mummy's boss finished his washing up.  

I thought I might get in trouble but thankfully, Mummy's boss clearly appreciates the finer points of a beautiful song because he looked over at me from his place behind the table and said, "Well, that was a lovely song.  Thank you very much Adam!"

I heard a muffled snort from Mummy as her shoulders shook.  

"Mummy, do you think it was a lovely song?  Would you like me to come to church with you more often Mummy?  Mummy, aren't you glad you're working in church now?  It's wonderful having me here isn't it?  Mummy, If you like, I could I sing a little bit more.....?"